So it’s the last day of my holiday. If you’ve read the blog in the last week, you’ll know it hasn’t all been happy families. So why am I so sad it’s ending? The Grumposaur is keen to get back to normal. Me? Not so much.
Normal means Boo going back go nursery some of the week and me cobbling together childcare for Sissyboo until school restarts. And then there’s getting back to work (work mostly good; juggling work with everything else? Tricky). Normal means getting back to the appointments, the necessary but endless and emotionally exhausting appointments. (I’m taking bets on how many ‘To the parent/s or guardian/s of Mr Boo’ letters will be on our mat when we get back.) And then there’s the homework from appointments. Researching products, support, new therapies to include on a daily basis (because we’re tripping over time, here), the letters, phone calls and metaphorical banging of my head against the wall. Then there’s the house. Housework, bills and all that jazz. And my old friends anxiety and depression. We don’t spend as much time with each other these days, thank goodness, but they pop in when you least expect it and overstay their welcome.
Boo didn’t sleep well last night (one not so good thing about the holiday) and I spent hours awake thinking about getting back to normal. I made lots of lists in my head. Boo (therapy, equipment etc) related, Sissyboo (back to school etc) related, work related, house related … They were all long and mercifully I’ve forgotten most of their contents but I need to make the lists nonetheless. And then there’s the list of things that always fall to the bottom of the list: me getting my eyes tested (not done in 3 years), other medical stuff for me I have put off for 2 years, getting fit again, getting my photos sorted, replacing light bulbs, fixing 8 broken lightbulbs and a busted cupboard. You know how it goes…
The lists momentarily give me the erroneous feeling of being in control. Then they creep into my mind and torment me with their incompleteness. It’s not the tasks individually that worry me. What worries me is that in total they will consume me (again), that the tiredness and sense of embattlement will defeat me, that I won’t be the parent I want to be to my two kids.
But then there are lots of good things about normal, I remember. Things I am looking forward to. So I’m going to try something new. A list-off, where the list of things I am looking forward to can play top trumps with the list of things that worry me.
So here are some of the things I love about normal life in no particular order:
1) Our house. It took us ages to get the house we wanted. It needs some work, more love than we can give it and probably, given time, adaptations for Boo. It’s not perfect and has a minute garden and people park across our drive all the time to buy a paper from the corner shop. But it’s home and I love it.
2) Our town. We live in a market town in Surrey. It’s very geared up for families and we have an amazing park round the corner. I can walk to shops, cafes or just go on nice walks/runs (though I don’t do that as often as I should). I also have a bit of a thing (please don’t think I’m weird) for an old graveyard by our house. It’s peaceful and full of beautiful butterflies and stories of long lives. I run there when I can and always feel happy there.
3) My coffee maker. I am am awful coffee snob and I haven’t slept well in 18 months. My coffee maker isn’t an expensive one but it makes fabulous double espressos. I miss the two of those I have before getting to grips with the day.
4) My bed. A few years ago we needed a new bed and saved up to buy an expensive king-size one on sale. It is the best thing (except my coffee machine) I have ever bought and no bed I’ve slept on is as comfy.
5) Our routine. I’m not a real routine type parent. I don’t follow a particular named routine or read books about them. But the kids have developed their own and Boo especially requires one. And poor old Boo has been dragged from place to place for the best part of two weeks. It’s hard to find engaging holiday excursions for an immobile 14 month old…
6) My friends. I never see as much of them as I’d like, but I have good friends locally since having the kids. They help keep me sane.
7) Work. For me it’s a necessary evil (necessary to keep said house) and a passion. It took me years to qualify to do what I do and I am lucky enough to have a career in a profession I care about. Like kids, it makes life impossible and exciting all at the same time.
8) My blog. The thing I thought I’d leave behind when I went away but couldn’t. Being home will give me a bit more time to think about the blog and respond to comments. (I’m so sorry to be so behind on comments.) The holiday has really brought home to me how much I need the blog and time for that will be great.
No doubt the lists will do battle on a daily basis when I get home and some days one will win, on others, another. But for now I’m holding on to the good and am determined to enjoy today. The calm before the storm.