This life

People who read this blog are beyond kind. Their comments, tweets and emails buoy me up and make me think that I’m maybe making a bit less of a hash up of life than I often feel I’m making.

But you shouldn’t be too nice, you know. I’m not always the strong, determined person I sometimes sound on this blog. I’m not naturally inclined to anger or self-pity, but I am definitely embattled. I get fed up. I lose my temper with others and then much more with myself. I am not fond of myself sometimes.

And I think it’s OK to say that. Because I’ve found that bottling up the frustrations and sense of being defeated is what leads to me get fed up or lose my rag. Today, I should be writing a piece for the wonderful Small Steps Amazing Achievements linky, which I love. But I am not in the right frame of mind. Boo has plateaued on progress for the time being (this happens – a lot) and I feel a bit beaten by life.

It’s not just prematurity, epilepsy, cerebral  palsy and the appointments (all the blooming appointments) that have cast me down. It’s also having kids and trying to work. I am exhausted. I wake early. Get everyone ready and out the door. I start work, if we don’t have an early appointment, after Boo goes to nursery and Sissyboo to school. On my day off, I go with Boo to conductive ed. I work around the almost daily appointments as best I can. But I don’t get enough done before I get Sissyboo  from school or after school club and then it’s violin practice, homework, play time and physio/standing frame time for Boo. This is swiftly followed by bathtime, bedtime (milk for Boo, stories for Sissyboo) and then I psych myself to do triage on the bomb site that is the house. I make dinner and wolf it down.  I go back to work. At about 10:30, I collapse in a heap.

It’s too much at the moment. And I don’t honestly know if I can carry on like this. I don’t know if I have a choice, though.

I miss my younger life, the life I never knew was so good until it was gone. It’s the little things. All the little things. Here are just some of the things I miss:

1) daily showers

2) exercise (totally out the window now I am back at work)

3) reading (I have managed 1.5 books in 18 months and one was read in the expressing room in Boo’s first NICU)

4) drinking hot drinks when they’re hot (don’t even manage this at work, which is ridiculous!)

5) cooking meals that might actually take longer than 20 minutes from prep to table

6) watching TV (only have my weekly Strictly fix at present)

7) watching movies

8) finishing a conversation

9) meeting with friends or even chatting on the phone (almost impossible to schedule)

10) having a vaguely presentable house

11) sleep

And here are the things I would change about my mad, chaotic and exhausting life:

1) not a damn thing.

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5 thoughts on “This life

  1. itssmallsworld

    Oh goodness. Yes. We drive ourselves mad with this. Am I allowed to say maybe you’re just trying to do too much? That it’s ok to let things slide a little? You do so well with all the things in your life you have to juggle that I think sometimes it becomes a treadmill, at which point it becomes no fun for anyone (I know this because I see it in myself when I shout at Big/ Small/OH more than they deserve!) Hugs. xx

  2. Jane

    I was at breaking point and had to give up work in April. Can’t afford it but Ethan needed me at home. I had a dream that my house would be spotless and we would do so much, how I laugh at that now! I have no idea where the time goes and I don’t know how I fitted work in. Sending hugs your way x

  3. womanunadorned

    It’s the not having a choice I find – feeling that you’re trapped on a wheel like a flipping hamster. For me, mindfulness and learning meditation really really did help – it takes time but eventually gives you a sort of ability to step back and appreciate things even while you’re rushing about like a headless chicken. It’s made a difference: before I was just about surviving (occasionally collapsing after a crisis), now I usually manage better but also enjoy it more when I am managing. But it’s quite an investment if time, and there may be other things that work.

  4. Pingback: We Are Family | itssmallsworld

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