This is the longest I’ve gone without blogging since I started Premmeditations back in April. And to be honest, it’s felt odd. Not exactly like losing a limb, but like losing touch with a good friend through the accidents of life.
Time to reconnect. And what better way to do this by picking up where I left off? With Good News Friday. OK it’s not Friday but that’s how we roll in Boo Land. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since having Boo, it’s that time isn’t linear or necessarily moving in one direction, despite what the calendar and physics say.
So the good news since my last Good News Year post is this:
We made it!
If you follow the blog or read my sometimes anxious ramblings on Twitter, you’ll know that December was a cruel month. By Christmas I felt utterly broken. It’s hard to say exactly what did it. Months of juggling appointments, therapies and work played a part. Lack of sleep, still a major problem here, was surely another. Fear about new pressures at work from January were lurking in the back of my mind. But I think it was whatever this particular brand of PTSD, reactive depression or anxiety (take your pick) I have that was the indigestible icing on the unpalatable cake. I just couldn’t shake the irrational fear that Boo’s infantile spasms would mark their one-year anniversary by returning on Christmas Eve. I found it hard to believe Christmas wouldn’t involve repeated hospitalisations again and be spoiled completely. Last year started so badly and things didn’t improve for many months. I was frightened that I couldn’t cope if this happened again. I was running on empty.
So I did something I rarely do. I gave in to the holidays. I took nearly two weeks off with minimal work. And as the days went by I stopped crossing my fingers and holding my breath.
Because we made it. No seizures. No hospitalisations.
No Christmas in Boo Land is normal by most people’s standards. No life that involves daily physio, speech therapy, gaiters and standing frames could be that, but it was ours and we loved it. Most of all the kids loved it.
There has been a slight sting in the tail. Boo is unwell (has been for 5 days) with a virus and high fever and his already bad sleep is bordering on the appalling. But somehow, despite all of this, being together, having quality time together as a family with other family and friends, and (and I suspect this is probably more important than I’d like to admit) cutting myself some slack and letting myself of the hook has been restorative.
In December I was, frankly, a wreck. In January I feel fit to be back on the road again. Sure there are still bits of my life that are precariously held together by duct tape, but I’m hoping they won’t fall off any time soon.
I am apprehensive about the return to normality: the 6 (yes: 6!) appointments Boo has next week and the late nights catching up with missed hours at work. But normal also means getting back to Premmeditations. She’s a new friend, but a good ‘un and I’ve missed her and her lovely readers.
Happy New Year!