As I get older or maybe because life has gotten more complex since having Boo, I feel much more self-reflective at new year than I used to. I spend a lot of time in early January thinking about the year past: what we’ve achieved; how far we have come; how far we have to go. And I think a lot about what’s to come. My dreams for us all.
I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? And it’s why people make new year’s resolutions, right? I spent years making them myself, sometimes even writing them down. They almost always involved losing weight, better work-life balance and other predictable things. And predictably, I’m not sure I ever achieved my goals. It’s not that I lack will power. If I really want to do something, I do. But somehow I can’t make my resolutions stick.
This year I thought about making some goals for me and the Boos for the year ahead. Like getting Boo to sit; like spending more quality time with Sissyboo; oh, and losing weight and achieving a better work-life balance. All good resolutions. I started looking at productivity apps to download. I even dug out a notebook to write my resolutions down. To hold myself to account.
But when it came to it, I just couldn’t put pen to paper. Why? Was I losing my willpower? Was I suffering from new year blues? Who knew? I put the notebook down and thought to myself I’d start making the list today. Monday 6 January. Sissyboo’s first day back at school. A day of three appointments for Boo. My first day back at work. The day I would start running again. A new start.
And yet, as I type this, I am sat on the sofa with a sleepy Boo after an emergency trip to the out-of-hours doctor yesterday when a four day fever went up to 40 degrees. Boo has a respiratory infection. He is quite unwell, but thanks to the wonders of antibiotics, he’s improving.
And so Sissyboo is at school, but everything else is all to cock. I have checked emails but will be pulling another late night to catch up with missed work. I sure as heck won’t get to run.
And that’s why my new year’s resolution this year is not to make any resolutions except to be resolved enough to get through all this. On a day when many people are getting back to normal after Christmas, we aren’t. Or rather, we are. It’s just that our normal isn’t like other people’s. Our normal involves packing our emergency hospital bags just in case when a fever develops, and locating important consultant reports to get docs yet to discover the complexities of Boo’s life up to speed quickly. Our normal regularly involves dropping everything. Being adaptable. Of taking it on the chin and making the best of things.
I want all of the things I could have officially have made my resolutions to happen this year. I really hope they will. But making them another stick to beat myself with when they aren’t all within my control isn’t going to help anyone. But getting on with and through things – being resolved – will. So that’s my focus for 2014.
I hope all of your new year’s resolutions are realised. But if they aren’t don’t beat yourself up. If life gets in the way, I won’t blame you. If you don’t blame me, that is.