Back and forth

I am so pleased to have come back to the blog, although it feels weird. I don’t know why. It just does. And it may just get a bit weirder still as I won’t be blogging for at least another week as I have to travel with work for a few days. And that makes me feel weirder still.

Sissyboo is none too happy. I work long hours, but as flexibly as possible, which usually means I put the kids to bed every night as well as make tea, read stories and all the fun stuff at the end of the day and go back to work while they sleep. She doesn’t like it if don’t do these regular Mummy things. Neither do I.

But I am also desperate to get away. I feel awful saying it. But it’s true. For the last two weeks I have been fantasising about a few days where the distance between me and home and the time difference means that I can’t chase things, get mad with failing services or engage in the daily therapies. My back has been really bad lately and it wants a break, too. So does my overly cluttered brain. I will have to work hard when I go away, but seriously: it feels like a holiday. And boy, do I need a holiday!

Not today, though. Today, the reality has sunk in. I will miss the kids. Terribly. I know I will be OK when I get there because I know that they will be totally fine without me, but I will miss them.

Still, missing them doesn’t quite explain the tight knot in my stomach I am feeling right now.

I thought it was just the control freak in me messing up my gut. But I don’t think so. I have written notes so detailed they amount to a novella for The Grumposaur after all. It can’t be that.

No: I know what it is. It is a totally irrational fear that something might happen to me while I am away. One of my biggest fears for my kids is me not living long and strong enough to look after them. Especially Boo. I know it sounds morbid, but it doesn’t feel like that to me. It just feels like a very practical response to a problem so unimaginable that I can barely bring myself to think about it.

What if something happens to me? What will happen to them.

I know these fears will go. I know I will go and come back and be refreshed and life will go on as it is now with the briefest of interruptions.

But that is what this special needs life is like in a nutshell, I think. The parenting game is the same all mums and dads play. I am the same Mum I was when I just had Sissyboo. But the stakes are much, much higher now we have Boo. I was never a gambler, and the playing makes me very nervous. Still, we take the wins where we get them and the highs are like nothing I could have imagined before.

And if I were a betting person, then I’d bet it will all turn out fine. Wish us luck!

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